Socially Phobic

May 31, 2007

To be honest,

Filed under: Bad Days,Therapy — iambrave @ 10:22 am

I’ve been feeling a little crazy. Crazy is a word that I decided to cut out of my vocabulary when I started this blog in the belief that a. it was an imprecise word to use to write seriously about mental health and b. it is potentially derogatory, perpetuating stereotypes, blah, blah, blah. But yep – I have a case of the crazies, and I’m actually sort of reluctant to put a label on it because I’m not quite sure what’s going on. Actually, attempting to put a label on it is what I’m going to do right here, shortly.

Don’t worry about me. I’m going to be okay. I think that I have the presence of mind nowadays to know that my moods, my states, my Bad Times don’t last forever.  If I am depressed, for example, one part of my brain is usually tuned into the fact that I may wake up tomorrow feeling completely different (wow, that almost sounds like optimism! This is what 20 years of therapy may be able to do for you – I don’t know why I am being sarcastic about it, given that I am training to be a child therapist. I’ve just been really bored with therapy lately). But yeah, I’ve been feeling shitty and I haven’t been writing about it. I’ve almost been scared to write because of how the crazy might come out of mouth. But then I remembered that some of the reasons that I write this blog are not solely to entertain my five or so readers (not that that isn’t vastly important – love you guys!) but also to try to really use it as a personal journal, therapy, and also as a way to document the way that I feel so that I remember the days, the trends. Because I don’t know about you guys, but it’s really hard for me to remember. That’s how I need to live: I need to chart my mood from day to day. Maybe forever. Diabetics check their blood sugar to keep an eye on the situation, and I need to check my mood. And be able to talk about it coherently, because that is the only way that I am going to be able to navigate the minefield network of mental health professional services which are available for my convenience. To sum up, not writing = bad.

I actually have to stop writing for right this second, but I am happy to be back in the frame of mind to write. I will be back later today to discuss the fun things that happen when I starting trying to go off medication and thinking too hard about babies (ominous music).

Stay tuned…

May 23, 2007

Where I wish I still was right now:

Filed under: Uncategorized — iambrave @ 2:13 am

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May 22, 2007

Welcome to my first post

Filed under: Depression,Drugs,Life in General — iambrave @ 9:14 am

as a Married Person. Thank you all for your kind wishes!!! Today is actually my 11-day anniversary, which is weird because of how long it means I’ve been away from here. So far, being married is a lot like living in sin except with a lot more stuff for the kitchen. I don’t really cook. I think we should return it and get a Wii.

I believe that I’ve actually been sort of depressed. I don’t know if I have ever really expressed here the massive amounts of time and energy that it took to pull this thing off.  The wedding was my baby for several months. Although it was frequently unpleasant to deal with and often seemed to take far more work than it was worth, I still had to take care of it. That was my job. I pulled it off, I suppose. I knew abstractly that the event itself would go by quickly, but it was seriously just one big blur. I don’t really remember too much. It’s just flashes of images and conversations. I guess it went all right. I think that if I stretch my mind as far as I can and try to be objective about it, I could say that it was nice. There are a lot of pictures. They look pretty nice. You can see them if you ask. But, yeah, I spent all these months planning this big party and now it is over. I feel deflated. I feel bad because I think that my husband thinks that I am depressed because I am having second thoughts about having gotten married, and that is so not it at all. I have sort of tried to explain but I haven’t had the easiest time speaking for the past couple of days.

I guess everything is okay. A couple of my friends (maid of honor and bridesmaid) are really mad at me, and I don’t quite understand why. Either this means that they have lost it or that I am so self-centered right now that I have no idea about the terrible way that I am treating people. Plus I’m mad at my mom, but so what else is new? I need to stay away from my home town for a little bit. I haven’t lived there in 2.5 years but I have attempted and succeeded in maintaining friendships with several people (which is good) and every time I go back it is so busy and intense and I am out constantly and never without plans and it is completely different from the way that my life has become. I get tired. I can’t party that hard anymore. I feel old.

The one thing that made me feel worst about the wedding was that there were so many people there and I wanted to spend five hours with all of them individually. See, the thing is that I guess that I used to be really social and maybe I didn’t really realize it until I moved away from home and didn’t have the accumulated product of living in the same place for 26 years anymore. Plus all of my family was there and I don’t get to see a lot of them very often. It was a melancholy feeling.

I have also gained around 10 pounds in the past couple of weeks. Fun.

So, I’m sitting on the couch with nothing to do. There is a lot that I could and possibly even should be doing, but I keep telling myself that I just need one more day off…Don’t worry about me, though. I have plans. I see both the psychiatrist and the GP this week and I am going to ask them what I need to do to get my body in shape to get pregnant (which means, of course, going off of my medications). How freaky weird is that??? I would like to add the disclaimer that I am NOT, in fact, trying to get pregnant. I just like to talk about it a lot with certain people. I am only discussing this here because 1. it is actually happening and it feels very strange to even be at the point of talking about it and 2. it relates to my Fun Summer Adventure plan of going off benzodiazepines.

On the topic of meds, I received a comment in which someone expressed concern regarding the fact that I have stated my intentions to go off my medication this summer. The thing is that I am not doing it because I feel great and don’t think I need them anymore. First, I don’t really feel that great. Well, I guess I feel pretty good for me. But I am terrified that I need them! The primary reason for doing this is, of course, related to procreation as mentioned above. I also, however, don’t necessarily think that it is the best thing to be on medications designated on-label for short-term usage for years and years and years. Temazepam, I am specifically looking at you right now. The only mood stabilizer that I am on is Lithium of which I only take 300 mg. a day. I have never had bloodwork done but I don’t even know if I ever hit the therapeutic range. And other than that, it’s all for anxiety. And migraines. Well, I don’t want to speculate on what’s going to happen or make up horror stories about how bad it’s going to be. It could be fine. And it always has the potential of being short-term.

I just ate half a cake.

May 6, 2007

In a strange turn of events,

Filed under: Life in General — iambrave @ 2:50 am

I am writing to stay awake instead of writing because I can’t fall asleep. Tomorrow we travel, making an approximately nine hour drive. Have I mentioned that I hate traveling? Well, I do. I am trying to stay awake right now to do laundry, because leaving every single thing until the very last minute is just the (highly inefficient) way that I roll. To be fair, I have barely done any of the chores associated with this massively important trip. I have basically been lying on the couch paralyzed by either intense anxiety or intense laziness for the past couple of days. Plus, I have a cold. I haven’t had a cold in years, but of course I got one this week.

I have been shamefully neglectful of my blog. But, if it’s any sort of excuse, I am getting married on Friday.

I AM GETTING MARRIED ON FRIDAY. What a strange sentence to write.

It was finals week. I finished three out of four classes, and took an incomplete in one because I couldn’t write my papers. I couldn’t think. My brain has been totally blank. And I am really, really tired.

I can’t really write now, either. It hurts to think. I will be bringing my computer with me, but I don’t know if I’m going to have internet access. We’re staying at a hotel because I think that staying with my mother this week might truly drive me out of my mind. So, this might be the last time that I post for a couple weeks. Sorry that it’s so lame. But the truth is that I am really proud of myself right now. I feel like I did the best that I could this semester and I have worked my ass off planning this wedding and dammit, my socially phobic self is going to be the star of the show in 5 1/2 days AND I’M GOING TO LIKE IT.

If my brain doesn’t explode first, that is.

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