Socially Phobic

April 28, 2007

It’s 4 a.m.

Filed under: Anxiety,Life in General — iambrave @ 4:40 am

and I can’t sleep because I am so nauseous. I ate WAY too much for dinner including rich dessert and I feel awful for it. I can’t believe that I used to binge like that so regularly. I have lost 62 pounds as of today in around a year and a half and I guess my stomach has shrunk or something. Maybe I should feel lucky that I’m just not physically capable of eating that much anymore. I don’t feel particularly lucky right now, however; it’s hard for me to feel lucky when I literally feel like I could throw up at any second. Poor me. All right, self pity ends now.

Stress levels feel somewhat manageable, I suppose. I was really super happy a day or two ago on the high of having gotten 2 out of 3 research papers done. I had the whole day off today and I really should’ve spent it working on the third, but I didn’t. I feel cranky and out of it and laid on the couch for hours and if I weren’t under so much actual stress I would say that I was having some sort of episode of random anxiety but I am learning that there are in fact times when real life is stressful and I can’t attribute everything to my Illness. I still have all weekend to complete my third paper, and then a fourth paper which is a vocational evaluation of myself (hard emotionally, because it feels sort of shitty to have to look back on my less than stellar work history, but easy because clearly my self is my favorite topic to expound upon).

And then I have four finals next week, three in-class and one take home, and then I WILL BE DONE WITH SCHOOL FOR THE SEMESTER!!!! Wow. I seriously can’t believe it.

And then, the Wedding is in less than two weeks now. Craziness. It is in a different city from the one that I live in so we have to travel for it. Traveling always makes me really anxious. I used to think of myself as someone who loved to travel and in a way I do because I am so fascinated by what there is to see and how people are living in other places, etc. (though this doesn’t really count for that because I’m going back to my home town and I pretty much already know the deal there). I panic, though, when a trip is coming up and for a lot of the time that I am actually gone. It’s like the anxiety I get when I have to leave the house (Is the stove turned off? Did I feed the fish? Did the house explode while I was gone?) but worse because there’s no way to go back and check. I’m not a compulsive checker but at least when I’m in town I know that the option is there. I worry about the dog even though he will be boarded at a place that I trust…I think. Hopefully I will be able to get through it and have a little faith. At least all of the pets will be out of the house so if it does explode or something they will be safe from that. Minus the fish…I don’t mean to sound cold hearted; I will worry about them, too, but the emotional attachment just isn’t as strong. No offense, little guys. I didn’t cry when the two eels that we bought didn’t make it which is actually kind of good given my overly intense emotional attachments to pretty much EVERYTHING. Not to mention the stress of the actual traveling portions. A nine hour car ride doesn’t make me happy. Hopefully it will not be raining and thus decrease my constant worries about crashing and dying at every single moment of the drive.

To top it all off, I randomly have a job interview this Monday so I am stressing about that. I had applied for the job online over a month ago and then they got their system up and running and I had a phone interview on Wednesday and they’re bringing me in. I think I did well on the phone interview because it so wasn’t the first thing on my mind at the time so the pressure was off. In a way, it still is…I wasn’t expecting to get this job because I hadn’t heard anything for so long so I don’t feel pressure in the same way that I would if I were in the process of a full-time job search. But then again, I put that pressure on myself for everything so I am still stressed and the main focus of my obsessions for the past couple days has been how to answer the interview questions. I want the job, on the one hand, because it looks like a really good company and it would be really good experience and I would be making positive contributions to the world. On the other hand, if I were to start working this summer it would cancel out my plans to just chill and get my shit together and have a lot of time to focus on getting off meds. Well, I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. It’s not officially an opportunity yet because I have by no means received an offer but on the topic of opportunities, maybe it is true that things happen just when you’re looking for them the least.

I guess life is good on the whole. I have sort of just gotten to the point of stress where I am almost beyond feeling the stress. Like, unnaturally calm when I should have hyper energy to get things done. I guess that’s a good sign. I will take it as a good sign instead of viewing it as a sign that I am totally shutting down emotionally. Finals week? No big deal. Wedding in two weeks? No problem. Job interview DURING finals week? Sure, why not? Either I’m at a good point or I’m losing it entirely. You be the judge.

The good news is that I am feeling a lot less nauseous. Maybe it wasn’t all of the cheese and cake and…bleh. I don’t even want to write it. Maybe it was just Blog Withdrawal Syndrome (BWS). I need to go to bed now so that I can get up in 4 hours and go shopping for a corset bustier to wear under my wedding dress and some ribbons to tie around some freaking napkins, because apparently that’s what’s done. Yay for weddings. But like it or not, it will all be over in 2 weeks. I have had temptations to take incompletes in a class or two but I really don’t want to put things off and have things hanging over my head after it’s all said and done. So I suppose that I will just soldier on and push on through.

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3 Comments »

  1. Seriously, you are my hero, but now even more so.

    Sixty-two pounds? Way to go!! I’m speechless!

    Congratulations on your two papers and the phone interview, too. Actually, having a job this summer may be the best. I remember one professor on my thesis defense committee. She asked me how I was and warned me I might start to feel really depressed once the defense was over. Apparently, after a big push of majoring stress due to, for example, studying all day every day for months, one kind of crashes when it’s over. Boy, was she right in my case….

    Maybe having a job will keep you somewhat occupied so you won’t be in a position of too much time on your hands after such a stressful time. The wedding will still be over (and it will have been gorgeous with all the little ribbons and such), the papers turned in, the finals out of the way. What’s a little measly job compared to what you will have gone through by then? 😀

    And, I have to laugh when you talk about your pets. I am soooo OCD about my babies, too. And, my house… And, well just about everything to a degree.

    I, too, suffer from BWS. It’s just so cathartic to write out all the random thoughts in my head. It’s better than a Xanax (sort of)! 😉

    Comment by HSP Woman — April 28, 2007 @ 3:46 pm

  2. Weight Watchers online – I would highly recommend it. No meetings, no dealing with people, just entering in points on the computer. I think it’s kind of fun – the putting points in, that as, as opposed to the dieting.

    I had wondered about that, too – a post-wedding crash. It’s easy to get stuck in the house and feel bummed out – probably even more so if I have nothing to do. You’re so smart! Then again, I haven’t gotten the job yet…

    Comment by iambrave — April 28, 2007 @ 6:28 pm

  3. I’ve been thinking about what you said about getting off your medications.. I have thought, in the past, that I was all better because I’d been feeling so good. I took myself off my medications and had a crash and had to go back to therapy and meds, but I guess that is one of the indications that I am truly manic/depressive. It is a symptom and I must recognize it when it is happening or I’ll go back to my “hole”. Please reconsider going off your medications. Truly concerned, Ann

    Comment by lakedawn — May 5, 2007 @ 3:24 pm


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