Socially Phobic

March 29, 2007

Feeling a little better

Filed under: Insomnia,Social Phobia — iambrave @ 3:46 pm

today. On Tuesday, I sent an email to my adviser telling her that I wasn’t planning on taking any classes this summer and she responded very nicely – telling me that she had a feeling that I might tell her that. Apparently, it’s a bit obvious to the outside world that I’m overwhelmed right now. But more than that, it was validating and it made me feel it was a choice within the reasonable boundaries of healthy human behavior, and that other people can see that there are actual, physical reasons for me to feel stressed right now. I wish that I didn’t need so much external validation and that I could trust my own emotions when it comes to making decisions. But, I’ll take good feelings where I can get them for the time being.

I called in sick to work today. My sleep cycle has been all whacked out – Tuesday night, I guess, I ended up not being able to fall asleep until 7 a.m. and then I slept in fits until about 1 p.m. I think that it’s because I took a Tramadol for a headache and despite the fact that narcotics or faux-narcotics or whatever the hell kind of drug it is are supposed to make you sleepy those little babies can keep me up all night. It’s funny. Not funny ha ha, but a little scary that I can take my Xanax XR, my Restoril, my beta blocker which I can’t spell, another regular Xanax on top of that, and STILL NOT SLEEP. My brain is not super healthy, and I’m on too many drugs.

After I got up yesterday, I did my best to function. But I had a raging headache which abated for a while with yet another Tramadol and then got progressively worse until I had to just walk out of my second class of the day at around 8:00 p.m. I ended up going to bed at around 10:30-11:00, but was wide awake at 5:00 this morning. I was feeling sort of okay – my stomach has been messed up, very nauseous, but at least that headache was gone, thanks to the Tylenol/Aleve combo recommended by a neurologist a couple years back (IMPORTANT NOTE: Despite how this reads, I am in no way affiliated with any drug companies. I might, in fact, hate drug companies. I guess that it’s a love/hate thing. But when it comes to the drugs that I take, I’m just telling it like it is.). But then I ended up going back to sleep at 8:00 or so this morning (having to be at work at noon) and when the alarm went off I just couldn’t get out of bed. I told my boss it was a stomach bug, because I have been really nauseous. Maybe I was just groggy and I should have tried to make it through. Those guilty thoughts are always there when I skip something because of my lifetime record of poor attendance. But I’m not going to dwell on that. I can’t dwell on guilt.

(Do you know how paranoid writing this is making me right now? Despite its anonymity? I feel like my boss is totally going to find this and read this and be mad at me. What can I say about it? I’m either going to post it or I’m not, and I am, so screw it, I guess.)

I’ve never been a good sleeper, even as a baby. And I just never outgrew it. My dad has a theory that it’s because I had fairly major surgery right after I was born and that the first things babies learn is the difference between sleep/wake and that somehow that anesthesia through off my sleep/wake cycle for the next…28 years now? I don’t know if that’s true. Show me a clinical study. But it is true that I have always been an insomniac. And I’m not some powerhouse that can get by on 4 hours. I need me some sleep to feel all right and not get migraines and stuff. Well, I don’t need a clinical study right in front of me to understand the links between insomnia and depression and anxiety and migraines, not to mention PMS. It doesn’t help that I think that stress has been throwing off my menstrual cycle so who even knows what state my hormones are in right now. Either that or it has to do with my theory that my body is conspiring to make me get my period on my wedding day. (That’s a joke. Sort of. But see, I can make jokes. Sometimes.)

Anyway, I don’t currently have any plans for the summer. Well, I have one that I haven’t shared with anyone yet. My plan is to try to go off all of my medications and see what happens. Lord knows that will be a process that requires a sabbatical. But I have a reason, other than the fact that I don’t like the idea of dependence. And it is this: we want to have a baby. Not necessarily this summer, but sometime in the relatively near future. Honestly, we can’t do it on the one income that we have right now. But in order to do that at any time, I will need to not be on any drugs. And I need to see if I can do it. I don’t even think I’ve talked about this plan with the fiance yet (the going off drugs this summer, that is, not the baby part). I canceled my psychiatrist appointment yesterday, because it occurred during the time that I was needing to sleep in the morning daylight hours. But I’m going to tell him as soon as I get in to see him. I have an appointment with my therapist in about an hour, and I’m going to tell him then.

I also want to talk to my therapist about my current fears about the field of psychology as a whole. This is also related to my summer plans. One thing that I could do is try to find an entry-level human services job. But I’m scared – I don’t know if (a) all of that negative priming that I talked about before is really good for me – I was reminded that my issues are legit when I read this post yesterday – and if (b) I can really handle being in charge of other people’s lives. That scares me a whole lot, too. I couldn’t even really handle tech support at the time that I was doing it, specifically the fact that other people were depending on me to solve their problems and I was terrified of letting them down. So, what if it’s not someone’s computer that’s broken? What if I’m a therapist and my client is suicidal or a child is being abused and I’m the one who needs to deal with it? That’s way worse than a crashing computer or lost data or a server that’s down. Shit. I’m starting to feel like I’m repeating myself over and over again in this blog, which I guess is okay because it’s kinda sorta my personal diary and I think about the same things over and over again. In any case, I think I need career counseling. Maybe I need to work from home or something. Maybe I need to train dogs. I’m not joking about that, either. I believe that you can rank types of job pressure. At certain points, I haven’t been able to handle any pressure at all. Well, serving is definitely pressure. But what I really couldn’t handle at my last restaurant job were the ever-pervasive thoughts about how all of my coworkers hated me (they might have, but I think that’s not really the point. The obsession is the problem.). What kind of job can you do where there’s absolutely no pressure, you do it on your own time frame, and if you can’t get out of bed on some days it’s no big deal? So far, all that I can think of are (a) becoming an heiress and (b) winning the lottery. (That’s ANOTHER joke – I must be in a better mood today.)


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