Socially Phobic

March 26, 2007


Filed under: Uncategorized — iambrave @ 11:33 pm

I’m not sure if I can handle it anymore. I wonder if I am being primed to feel depressed and anxious when we spend so much time in my classes talking about depression and anxiety. The class that I had tonight made me feel really shitty. The girl who was doing her presentation brought in a quiz for us to take regarding the frequency of our automatic negative thoughts. I didn’t want to take the quiz and I didn’t. I got up and went to the bathroom instead. It’s all just too personal for me sometimes. I think that the things that could potentially make me a good therapist are also the same things that could be my downfall. I understand it all so well because I have been through it. I am living it.

And still, I go on. I made plans today for the classes that I am going to take this summer, even though I don’t know if I am going to make it or not. All that I can do right now is try to get through the semester and the wedding and I will hopefully have a clearer head after that. I hope.

Goddamn it, I don’t want to quit something again. I graduated from college six years ago now and in that time I have gotten fired from a job, started and not finished a different graduate degree, and then left my last job because of serious anxiety problems. It’s not exactly an impressive record. I have quit a lot of things in my life, and I’m not proud of it. I don’t think that I’m a lost soul, exactly. I think that my soul is in the right place. I have love in my life and I am caring and empathic and I feel passionately about a lot of things. It’s my career that’s not so impressive.

Well, I see my doctors this week. The psychiatrist I’m not so crazy about. I don’t really feel like he listens all that well. I have been putting up with it so far because I really was feeling a lot better, so I thought that maybe he had some magical medication answers that no one else had found so far. Anyway, I’m thinking about going off of Lithium. I think it’s possible that it’s making me depressed. Maybe I am looking for external answers and I’m really just very stressed out. I don’t know if Lithium is ever known to depress people. I guess I should do more research before Wednesday. It makes sense, logically, if it’s used to treat manic episodes and I don’t have manic episodes, that it could make me swing too far in the opposite direction.  But logic isn’t always the way that these things work. And then I see my therapist on Thursday. I need to talk to him about this stuff. I like him all right. I think we have a good relationship and that he’s a smart man. What I don’t know is whether he’s helping me or not. I do want to ask him about this career shit. If I’m going to quit what I’m doing, I want to do it now rather than later. I don’t know how that makes it better. Less money invested, I guess.


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