Socially Phobic

July 21, 2007

A brief update

Filed under: Medications — iambrave @ 11:37 am

because it is way too nice outside to be sitting in here writing.

So far, I have:

1. Quit smoking cold turkey on June 13. That’s one month and eight days. Yay, me!

2. Stopped taking Lithium…probably going on two months now.

3. Stopped taking my beta blockers for migraines.

4. Stopped taking Temazepam for sleep…replaced it with Ambien. Some nights, I don’t take anything.

And in the results category:

1. Not smoking is awesome

2. My mood has been OK! I think. I’ve had to work harder on anger management stuff.

3. Had a lot more headaches. I think I’ve figured it out, though, and it has something to do with…

4.  When I’m not all drugged up on benzos to sleep, I seem to grind my teeth a lot more. This is whether or not I take Ambien. I was so happy last night that I slept without any additional meds, but less thrilled that I woke up in pain. I have to get used to my device that keeps me from grinding my teeth. I can’t remember what it’s called. It’s uncomfortable, but I think I need it. I am going to a physical therapist on Monday to see if they can help with the muscle portion of my headaches at all. I am planning on asking whether they have any recommendations for different types of pillows so that I don’t wake up so sore. I’ve never had much luck with those Tempeurpedic ones.

So, that leaves me with good old Xanax XR. Dear old friend, the last one to go. Still at 2 mg./night, so I haven’t been sleeping with no drugs whatsoever. I’ve been trying my damnedest not to pop the little 0.5 mg. ones to minimize the psychological dependence. Nonetheless, around 9 p.m., I start jonesing for that XR. I know that part is psychological, given that I read that it actually only has an 8-12 hour effect and I take it once a day.

I had decided to take it slow on going off of the Xanax, so I’m not seeing my doc again until the beginning of September. I sort of want to find a new doctor, because I’m not sure that I trust his game plan. I’m not sure that it’s slow enough, to be specific. And I don’t really feel like I can talk to him. I don’t think he’s an asshole, per se, there are just certain things. He told me that it would be fine to take Xanax during a pregnancy…it’s a class D drug. See, that doesn’t seem right to me. I don’t think a doctor should ever be as confident as he was about that about anything, let alone a drug in that category. If he would have said something to the effect of “I think that the benefits outweigh the risks here, but it is a calculated risk”, I would have felt much more comfortable. I didn’t want to call him out on his medical knowledge…I don’t think it’s my job to correct him…but now I am at the point with him where I just tell him what I want to do in terms of meds and there is no open dialog. I would like to believe that there is a psychiatrist out there with whom I could have a better relationship. I may seek a referral.

I have also been taking a break from therapy, which may seem ironic given the stress that I have been putting my body and mind through. I don’t know, I just got to the point where I was dreading it. I would also like to be at a place where I don’t need external validation for every single decision I make…more on that some other time.

July 18, 2007

Back Again

Filed under: meditation,spirituality,Things that help — iambrave @ 1:42 am

Hi, how are you? Good, I hope. We can chit-chat later, and I’ll get you up to date on the things that I’ve been up to. But it’s late, and I’ve been working reeealllllly hard on regulating my sleep schedule, so I’m going to make this one brief.

I wanted to make note of an experience that I had today. First, some background. I’ve been exploring Tonglen meditation and the work of Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun. I’ve been reading a book that she wrote called The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessnes in Difficult Times. I feel like I am not well-educated enough to write much on this topic, but I understand Tonglen to be this, in essence: during the meditation practice, you inhale pain and suffering and discomfort, not only your own, but that of the world, and then exhale calm and relief. Wikipedia says that in the practice, one visualizes taking onto oneself the suffering of others, and giving to others, one’s own happiness and success.

The book says:

Many of us prefer practices that will not cause discomfort, yet at the same time we want to be healed. But bodhichitta training doesn’t work that way. A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next. We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it’s also what makes us afraid.

Bodhichitta training offers no promise of happy endings. Rather, this “I” who wants to find security – who wants something to hold on to – can finally learn to grow up. The central question of a warrior’s training is not how we avoid uncertainty and fear but how we relate to discomfort. How do we practice with difficulty, with our emotions, with the unpredictable encounters of an ordinary day?

…we can ask ourselves this question: ‘Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear?’

I guess the links to anxiety are fairly obvious. But really what I want to talk about is my trip to the dentist today. It sucked. I already had tears streaming down my face from the gagging from the X-rays (man, do I wish sometimes that I weren’t such a delicate little flower), and then came the cleaning. The cleaning was horrendous. I hadn’t been to the dentist in almost 3 years, and my teeth were in drastic need of some work. The last time that I had my teeth cleaned, the pain was so bad that they I had to come in twice so that they could Novocaine each side of my mouth. Today, I found out that my insurance didn’t cover multiple visits. And so, I had to do it all without any sort of analgesic. The hygienist used some sort of cleaning machine, and the pain ranged from god-awful scraping/cutting of my gums to the feeling that she was possibly striking the center of each and every nerve directly. (Side note: it’s my own damn fault. I am flossing three times a day from now on.)

So, I was in pain. I would estimate that the cleaning took around 45 minutes. But at certain points, I realized that I was holding my breath. I started to meditate into the pain. I accepted the pain for what it was. I tried to experience it fully. And you know what? I think it helped. I was able to cope better at the moments during which I was focusing directly on the pain; the times when I wasn’t trying to change anything. (I wasn’t able to take it so far as to take on all of the pain of all of the dental patients everywhere, or even to exhale relief. What can I say, I’m still a novice.)

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…it’s a cliche. And it has always sounded great in theory, but I’m not sure that I really understood it. Now I get this: I was definitely stronger after the dental cleaning from hell today. First, the endorphins that seemed to kick in afterwards were glorious. I was high simply on the fact that no one was stabbing my gums anymore. But also, as far as relating to life directly goes, accepting the full adventure: it helped me to remember that sometimes you have to spend some time at the bottom before you can fully appreciate just being normal. The dentist made the rest of my day better for the simple fact that I wasn’t at the dentist anymore.

That’s all. I hope this is coherent. It’s way past my new 11:00 bedtime (can you believe it??? But more on that some other day).

June 7, 2007

The past couple of days

Filed under: Bad Days,Depression,Drugs — iambrave @ 3:44 am

have sort of been a personal hell for me. The physical symptoms from going off of Lithium went away but the emotional symptoms, not so much. I had to go into work yesterday and that was fine, but as soon as I left I lost it. I pretty much cried for eight straight hours. Today was a bit better except for a massive explosion of anger after I got woken up from a nap – I don’t know if this is exactly related but have I mentioned that naps make me somewhat psychotic? I would really like to know if this happens to anyone else. I typically wake up in the midst of a hot flash and extremely hostile. Do other people get hot flashes when they nap? I should Google it. I really shouldn’t nap at all given my problems sleeping at night and the amazingly terrible way that I feel when I wake up but I just can’t resist the blissful way that it feels to drift off so easily in the afternoon because that never happens at night. I don’t dread sleeping during the day the way that I do at night, and I can’t seem to stop denying myself this guilty pleasure. But please remember this if you ever serve on a jury for a crime that I committed – I think that I could plead a very strong case for temporary insanity if said crime occurred within a post-nap period.

Anyway. I don’t know what I’m doing. My husband and I also had a Big Talk yesterday about the reasons that I am depressed other than the biochemical madness. The deal is this: I believe that we are both sort of obsessed with having a baby. This is sort of like true confession time, because I don’t talk about this with very many people. Before we got married, whenever I had a chance to make a wish I would wish for a baby. Since the wedding, however, I have grown increasingly more wary. It was all well and good when it was a wish and a prayer but since it has become something that I have been taking actions to accomplish and talking to doctors about the reality of it scares me. It has gone from an anxiety that my clock is ticking way too fast (pretty irrational, given my age (28), and didn’t I just read that a 60-year-old gave birth?) to well, we have a few more years so what is the rush (more rational, but it feels weird when one of the things that I have been obsessing over does a complete 180 in my head). There are money issues, logistical issues like I just finished my first semester of a program and would I ever go back, issues about the fact that, as a couple, we have yet to have a life together that includes having a group of friends that lives in the same city that we do and really we never go out at all anymore due to our mentally ill dog (a true but long story for another time) and so shouldn’t we have a life where we are free to go out as desired before we just can’t anymore, and then issues about the fact that the reality of me, having a baby, having to be on top of my shit, not wanting to raise a child depressed or at least ever show my depressed face to my child because I know from personal experience what it is like to be raised by a depressed parent and I don’t want to be that mom, as well as not having time to lie on the couch for 8 hours and cry anymore as determined to be personally necessary, plus I consider myself to be very irresponsible on the whole and I have yet to figure out how to make a budget or grocery shop effectively or keep the house clean (also things that my parents never taught me but that I probably should have figured out by now – I consider myself to be fairly smart but there are certain common-sense things that elude me – I basically need to take home ec for grownups). And that horrendous run-on sentence pretty much sums it up and I don’t feel like editing so hopefully it all makes a little bit of sense.

All right, you say, so perhaps you aren’t ready. Perhaps you should wait another year or two. Why not? Having a baby in my early 30s – so reasonable. The question, then, is this: what the hell am I doing with my medication? Why am I putting my body through this right now if we aren’t going to do this right now? Because while I do not like being dependent on things due to my abandonment fears (odd running image in my head that has symbolized this for several years now: being in a less-developed foreign country and not having any meds and all hell ensuing…to tell you the truth, I don’t even feel comfortable finding, say, the perfect makeup, because what am I going to do if they stop making Bare Minerals? How have I gotten through so many of these issues with human beings yet hold onto them so strongly with inanimate objects, if you can classify a medication as such?), the truth is that I have been relatively stabilized over the past few months and feeling pretty all right and now I feel like shit so what is the point if we aren’t just going to go ahead and do this? I was of the mindset of “first I just need to see how the medication thing goes and then we will go from there”, but maybe that was wrong. Because I know that the way that I have been feeling is as equally bad for my body as are the chemicals that I ingest on a daily basis. I can see the point of not wanting to be on the benzos and having to take a sleeping pill every night even if they have been improving my quality of life but this whole Lithium thing has been sort of a nightmare that is hopefully coming to an end but no way in hell do I want to go through this withdrawal again anytime soon.

We left the discussion at the point where we were both going to think about these things independently and then reconvene in a little bit. And honestly, despite my intense desire to Figure Out Every Single Thing About The Entire Rest Of My Life Right Now (also irrational, naturally), I do realize that making major life decisions on a day when you cry for eight hours is not the best thing to do.

There was more, about how I am depressed about the summer because it is stretching endlessly before me in a sea of emptiness (HSP – TOTALLY called this one) and not enough to do that I thought would feel liberating but doesn’t because I rarely get bored but I am bored as hell now and how if I don’t find an internship or a job (two interviews so far, a potential opportunity still maybe there but I don’t have my hopes up) I will be alone every day while he is at work and I feel empty and sad and like I am having an identity crisis and I am 14 years old again and I need a project be it learning Spanish or CSS or volunteering or temping or anything really…but it’s too much to get into all at right this second.

To sum up, I am not handling the transition that is being married so well I suppose just because it is a major life change and I have had so many so recently (I just took this Life Stress Test and got a 354 and that is not even counting the items that I didn’t include because they seemed to overlap meaning that I have a high susceptibility to stress-related illness). I love my husband just as much if not more since we got married (though it turns out that I hate the word husband as much as I hate the word fiance – from this point forward I will be calling him Mr. Brave which is accurate because he must be pretty brave to be prepared to deal with my issues on a long-term basis) so this is not the issue. There is this book that I love, How to Survive the Loss of a Love, which makes the point that every transition is a loss and that you can and maybe need to mourn happy changes as well as sad ones, so maybe I am just in mourning for a lot of parts of my former life right now which doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be married, because I do, but getting used to things is a process. I am feeling confused in general.

I apologize for all of the run-ons and parenthetical asides here. I’m not making excuses or anything but did you know that the vast majority of my posts are written after I take my sleeping pills, go lie in bed for a little bit, and then get up again to blog? I’m a grammar snob and hold myself to high writing standards but, you know, sleeping pills and all. Which I may or may not still be taking next week, an adventure in and of itself to be sure.

One thing that I did learn today is that scrubbing the bathtub is a pretty good way to get my anger under control. Maybe there’s hope for me yet.

June 5, 2007

It might be

Filed under: Drugs,Insomnia,Mood Swings,PMS — iambrave @ 3:23 am

a couch night tonight. I am actually supposed to go in to work tomorrow to make up hours that I didn’t complete this semester. I am not supposed to be there until 11 (late, right?) but it’s already 20 till 3 and I am awake. Well, I might not really be. Sometimes I have to go upstairs, lie in bed until I can’t take it anymore, come back downstairs, and then it finally hits me that my sleeping pills are starting to kick in. And then I can sleep. Or not. Who knows?

I used to sleep on the couch a lot last year. It wasn’t that we were having problems in our relationship; it was more that the couch was a safe place for me and I didn’t get anxious there the same way that I did when I was trying to fall asleep in bed. Psyching yourself out of insomnia is not easy, people. I should be better at it given my lifetime history. (Insert parental joke: “She didn’t sleep through the night until she was 10!” Ha ha. Joke’s on me. And all of the people whom I have bitterly harassed for being able to sleep so damn well or just being asleep at a given moment when I am AWAKE AWAKE AWAKE!!!)

I think I’ve maybe slept on the couch here once. Maybe it’s just not as comfortable as the old couch that we left behind. Or maybe I have just come to appreciate the presence of other warm creatures in the bed. You don’t need a human partner for this kind of comfort. A dog works just as well. Before I got my dog a couple of years ago and I was single, I have to say that the cats just weren’t that reliable as sleeping buddies. I think they do end up in the bed every night anyway but it’s sporadic and often irritating, what with the head-walking episodes and random EXTREMELY LOUD meowing (girl cat is 9 years old, has been fixed for the vast majority of that time, and yet still acts pretty much like she’s in heat on a daily basis. I think it’s getting worse, and actually was thinking that she might be losing it a little. She has always meowed for attention a LOT, but I don’t remember the waking up part from before. A former roommate once told me that she thought that I was the human version of this cat. I love my cat from the bottom of my heart, but I did not take this as a compliment. As far as I know, I do not act like I am in heat on a daily basis. At least not since I got married. Ba da bum!).

What was I talking about, anyway? How did this turn into a pet post? Moving on, the ironic part is that right when we got back from the honeymoon a couple of weeks ago I was experiencing a miraculous sleep revival. I was even mind-writing a post about the way that my bed had magically transformed itself into the most glorious, comfortable place in the universe. No more. But it was nice while it lasted.

Revisiting the psychiatrist appointment last week: this pertains to the way that he told me to get off of sleeping pills. I currently take Temazepam for sleep and I’m wanting off of it. His instructions: try going without one night. If you sleep without the pill, try not taking it again the next night. If you don’t sleep, take it the next night. This has all fallen by the wayside since last week’s Lithium fiasco and I’ve been taking it nightly again. It went all right for a couple of nights, but I’m taking things slow. In any case, I have no idea if this is good advice for going off of sleeping pills. Plus, I can’t get into this right now without bringing up other issues that I have with my doctor right now and I really just don’t want to go there. It’s coming, don’t worry.

On other fronts, I am feeling infinitely better physically. Thank god. I have had a couple search hits on “lithium withdrawal” and things of that nature, and while I can’t say for certain that what I was going through was caused by the Lithium I will say this: be careful. Maybe take it slower rather than faster. But I seem to have gotten through, at least the horrendous physical symptoms (mood swings: not so hot. A lot of tears. I think I have PMS, though, too).

Well, this may be a crappy post but at least I am writing again. I will leave you with this, because if this doesn’t make you want to go to sleep right now, I don’t know what will:

sleep2.jpg

June 1, 2007

I feel like

Filed under: Anxiety,Bad Days,Drugs,Mood Swings — iambrave @ 4:20 pm

total and utter crap right now. Here’s a story behind it: Last week, I went to the psychiatrist to discuss going off of my meds. There are many things to be said about this visit that I’m sure I will get to at some point, but one of the things he told me was that it was okay to stop taking Lithium cold turkey because I’m on the lowest dosage (300 mg). So, I did, on Monday, I think. I did not anticipate feeling this bad!!!!!!!!!!! I am attributing this to Lithium withdrawal even though I haven’t done any research to see if this kind of thing happens to other people. Maybe I just have the flu. I don’t really know what the hell is wrong with me.

The first couple of days were god awful. I haven’t really been sleeping all that well but I have been sleeping SOME, so I don’t think that insomnia was the reason for my feeling exactly the same way that I do if I, say, literally don’t sleep at all one night after drinking heavily. I did acid in high school and this is kind of what I remember coming down felt like. I apologize for the lack of better description but my head feels, in a word, trippy. My head is tingling. Like if I take cold medicine. I am just trying to equate this feeling to something that maybe other people can understand. And then there’s the nausea – a kind of pit-of-the-stomach hollow feeling. I have barely any appetite. Or, I am hungry but food seems repulsive. And my heart is racing. Oh – this is also the same way that I would feel in my younger days on SSRIs and was really irresponsible about taking them – I wouldn’t take a Paxil or something for a couple of days and then feel like this. Serotonin withdrawal or something along those lines.

I feel cracked out.

The first two days were worse than yesterday and today, thank god. My brain feels a little better but I still feel like I am going to throw up. I was out doing errands and it’s 90 degrees out which doesn’t help and I was sweating and dizzy and I had to come home. Maybe it is partially the flu or something. My husband has been sick and I was feeling sick to my stomach last week before this all started. I dunno.

Mood-wise, I’ve been…hyper. My husband said that I was acting slightly manic, but that he likes me better this way. Probably a little more cheerful and outgoing, wanting to throw that extra joke into an email I’m writing when it may or may not be appropriate (I’m erring on the side of trying to be less silly, because I do not trust my judgment 100% this week). I’ve also been anxious. But not really dreading things anxious. More like I feel like I’m buzzing with too much energy. And yet I simultaneously want to pass out. I told you, I’m not right.

That’s what’s going on with me. Don’t worry, I am not going to try going off of anything else until I start feeling better physically.

Now I am going to lie on the couch in the air conditioning. Happy Friday and Happy June to all.

May 31, 2007

To be honest,

Filed under: Bad Days,Therapy — iambrave @ 10:22 am

I’ve been feeling a little crazy. Crazy is a word that I decided to cut out of my vocabulary when I started this blog in the belief that a. it was an imprecise word to use to write seriously about mental health and b. it is potentially derogatory, perpetuating stereotypes, blah, blah, blah. But yep – I have a case of the crazies, and I’m actually sort of reluctant to put a label on it because I’m not quite sure what’s going on. Actually, attempting to put a label on it is what I’m going to do right here, shortly.

Don’t worry about me. I’m going to be okay. I think that I have the presence of mind nowadays to know that my moods, my states, my Bad Times don’t last forever.  If I am depressed, for example, one part of my brain is usually tuned into the fact that I may wake up tomorrow feeling completely different (wow, that almost sounds like optimism! This is what 20 years of therapy may be able to do for you – I don’t know why I am being sarcastic about it, given that I am training to be a child therapist. I’ve just been really bored with therapy lately). But yeah, I’ve been feeling shitty and I haven’t been writing about it. I’ve almost been scared to write because of how the crazy might come out of mouth. But then I remembered that some of the reasons that I write this blog are not solely to entertain my five or so readers (not that that isn’t vastly important – love you guys!) but also to try to really use it as a personal journal, therapy, and also as a way to document the way that I feel so that I remember the days, the trends. Because I don’t know about you guys, but it’s really hard for me to remember. That’s how I need to live: I need to chart my mood from day to day. Maybe forever. Diabetics check their blood sugar to keep an eye on the situation, and I need to check my mood. And be able to talk about it coherently, because that is the only way that I am going to be able to navigate the minefield network of mental health professional services which are available for my convenience. To sum up, not writing = bad.

I actually have to stop writing for right this second, but I am happy to be back in the frame of mind to write. I will be back later today to discuss the fun things that happen when I starting trying to go off medication and thinking too hard about babies (ominous music).

Stay tuned…

May 23, 2007

Where I wish I still was right now:

Filed under: Uncategorized — iambrave @ 2:13 am

510204914_7cfbcf46df.jpg

May 22, 2007

Welcome to my first post

Filed under: Depression,Drugs,Life in General — iambrave @ 9:14 am

as a Married Person. Thank you all for your kind wishes!!! Today is actually my 11-day anniversary, which is weird because of how long it means I’ve been away from here. So far, being married is a lot like living in sin except with a lot more stuff for the kitchen. I don’t really cook. I think we should return it and get a Wii.

I believe that I’ve actually been sort of depressed. I don’t know if I have ever really expressed here the massive amounts of time and energy that it took to pull this thing off.  The wedding was my baby for several months. Although it was frequently unpleasant to deal with and often seemed to take far more work than it was worth, I still had to take care of it. That was my job. I pulled it off, I suppose. I knew abstractly that the event itself would go by quickly, but it was seriously just one big blur. I don’t really remember too much. It’s just flashes of images and conversations. I guess it went all right. I think that if I stretch my mind as far as I can and try to be objective about it, I could say that it was nice. There are a lot of pictures. They look pretty nice. You can see them if you ask. But, yeah, I spent all these months planning this big party and now it is over. I feel deflated. I feel bad because I think that my husband thinks that I am depressed because I am having second thoughts about having gotten married, and that is so not it at all. I have sort of tried to explain but I haven’t had the easiest time speaking for the past couple of days.

I guess everything is okay. A couple of my friends (maid of honor and bridesmaid) are really mad at me, and I don’t quite understand why. Either this means that they have lost it or that I am so self-centered right now that I have no idea about the terrible way that I am treating people. Plus I’m mad at my mom, but so what else is new? I need to stay away from my home town for a little bit. I haven’t lived there in 2.5 years but I have attempted and succeeded in maintaining friendships with several people (which is good) and every time I go back it is so busy and intense and I am out constantly and never without plans and it is completely different from the way that my life has become. I get tired. I can’t party that hard anymore. I feel old.

The one thing that made me feel worst about the wedding was that there were so many people there and I wanted to spend five hours with all of them individually. See, the thing is that I guess that I used to be really social and maybe I didn’t really realize it until I moved away from home and didn’t have the accumulated product of living in the same place for 26 years anymore. Plus all of my family was there and I don’t get to see a lot of them very often. It was a melancholy feeling.

I have also gained around 10 pounds in the past couple of weeks. Fun.

So, I’m sitting on the couch with nothing to do. There is a lot that I could and possibly even should be doing, but I keep telling myself that I just need one more day off…Don’t worry about me, though. I have plans. I see both the psychiatrist and the GP this week and I am going to ask them what I need to do to get my body in shape to get pregnant (which means, of course, going off of my medications). How freaky weird is that??? I would like to add the disclaimer that I am NOT, in fact, trying to get pregnant. I just like to talk about it a lot with certain people. I am only discussing this here because 1. it is actually happening and it feels very strange to even be at the point of talking about it and 2. it relates to my Fun Summer Adventure plan of going off benzodiazepines.

On the topic of meds, I received a comment in which someone expressed concern regarding the fact that I have stated my intentions to go off my medication this summer. The thing is that I am not doing it because I feel great and don’t think I need them anymore. First, I don’t really feel that great. Well, I guess I feel pretty good for me. But I am terrified that I need them! The primary reason for doing this is, of course, related to procreation as mentioned above. I also, however, don’t necessarily think that it is the best thing to be on medications designated on-label for short-term usage for years and years and years. Temazepam, I am specifically looking at you right now. The only mood stabilizer that I am on is Lithium of which I only take 300 mg. a day. I have never had bloodwork done but I don’t even know if I ever hit the therapeutic range. And other than that, it’s all for anxiety. And migraines. Well, I don’t want to speculate on what’s going to happen or make up horror stories about how bad it’s going to be. It could be fine. And it always has the potential of being short-term.

I just ate half a cake.

May 6, 2007

In a strange turn of events,

Filed under: Life in General — iambrave @ 2:50 am

I am writing to stay awake instead of writing because I can’t fall asleep. Tomorrow we travel, making an approximately nine hour drive. Have I mentioned that I hate traveling? Well, I do. I am trying to stay awake right now to do laundry, because leaving every single thing until the very last minute is just the (highly inefficient) way that I roll. To be fair, I have barely done any of the chores associated with this massively important trip. I have basically been lying on the couch paralyzed by either intense anxiety or intense laziness for the past couple of days. Plus, I have a cold. I haven’t had a cold in years, but of course I got one this week.

I have been shamefully neglectful of my blog. But, if it’s any sort of excuse, I am getting married on Friday.

I AM GETTING MARRIED ON FRIDAY. What a strange sentence to write.

It was finals week. I finished three out of four classes, and took an incomplete in one because I couldn’t write my papers. I couldn’t think. My brain has been totally blank. And I am really, really tired.

I can’t really write now, either. It hurts to think. I will be bringing my computer with me, but I don’t know if I’m going to have internet access. We’re staying at a hotel because I think that staying with my mother this week might truly drive me out of my mind. So, this might be the last time that I post for a couple weeks. Sorry that it’s so lame. But the truth is that I am really proud of myself right now. I feel like I did the best that I could this semester and I have worked my ass off planning this wedding and dammit, my socially phobic self is going to be the star of the show in 5 1/2 days AND I’M GOING TO LIKE IT.

If my brain doesn’t explode first, that is.

April 28, 2007

It’s 4 a.m.

Filed under: Anxiety,Life in General — iambrave @ 4:40 am

and I can’t sleep because I am so nauseous. I ate WAY too much for dinner including rich dessert and I feel awful for it. I can’t believe that I used to binge like that so regularly. I have lost 62 pounds as of today in around a year and a half and I guess my stomach has shrunk or something. Maybe I should feel lucky that I’m just not physically capable of eating that much anymore. I don’t feel particularly lucky right now, however; it’s hard for me to feel lucky when I literally feel like I could throw up at any second. Poor me. All right, self pity ends now.

Stress levels feel somewhat manageable, I suppose. I was really super happy a day or two ago on the high of having gotten 2 out of 3 research papers done. I had the whole day off today and I really should’ve spent it working on the third, but I didn’t. I feel cranky and out of it and laid on the couch for hours and if I weren’t under so much actual stress I would say that I was having some sort of episode of random anxiety but I am learning that there are in fact times when real life is stressful and I can’t attribute everything to my Illness. I still have all weekend to complete my third paper, and then a fourth paper which is a vocational evaluation of myself (hard emotionally, because it feels sort of shitty to have to look back on my less than stellar work history, but easy because clearly my self is my favorite topic to expound upon).

And then I have four finals next week, three in-class and one take home, and then I WILL BE DONE WITH SCHOOL FOR THE SEMESTER!!!! Wow. I seriously can’t believe it.

And then, the Wedding is in less than two weeks now. Craziness. It is in a different city from the one that I live in so we have to travel for it. Traveling always makes me really anxious. I used to think of myself as someone who loved to travel and in a way I do because I am so fascinated by what there is to see and how people are living in other places, etc. (though this doesn’t really count for that because I’m going back to my home town and I pretty much already know the deal there). I panic, though, when a trip is coming up and for a lot of the time that I am actually gone. It’s like the anxiety I get when I have to leave the house (Is the stove turned off? Did I feed the fish? Did the house explode while I was gone?) but worse because there’s no way to go back and check. I’m not a compulsive checker but at least when I’m in town I know that the option is there. I worry about the dog even though he will be boarded at a place that I trust…I think. Hopefully I will be able to get through it and have a little faith. At least all of the pets will be out of the house so if it does explode or something they will be safe from that. Minus the fish…I don’t mean to sound cold hearted; I will worry about them, too, but the emotional attachment just isn’t as strong. No offense, little guys. I didn’t cry when the two eels that we bought didn’t make it which is actually kind of good given my overly intense emotional attachments to pretty much EVERYTHING. Not to mention the stress of the actual traveling portions. A nine hour car ride doesn’t make me happy. Hopefully it will not be raining and thus decrease my constant worries about crashing and dying at every single moment of the drive.

To top it all off, I randomly have a job interview this Monday so I am stressing about that. I had applied for the job online over a month ago and then they got their system up and running and I had a phone interview on Wednesday and they’re bringing me in. I think I did well on the phone interview because it so wasn’t the first thing on my mind at the time so the pressure was off. In a way, it still is…I wasn’t expecting to get this job because I hadn’t heard anything for so long so I don’t feel pressure in the same way that I would if I were in the process of a full-time job search. But then again, I put that pressure on myself for everything so I am still stressed and the main focus of my obsessions for the past couple days has been how to answer the interview questions. I want the job, on the one hand, because it looks like a really good company and it would be really good experience and I would be making positive contributions to the world. On the other hand, if I were to start working this summer it would cancel out my plans to just chill and get my shit together and have a lot of time to focus on getting off meds. Well, I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. It’s not officially an opportunity yet because I have by no means received an offer but on the topic of opportunities, maybe it is true that things happen just when you’re looking for them the least.

I guess life is good on the whole. I have sort of just gotten to the point of stress where I am almost beyond feeling the stress. Like, unnaturally calm when I should have hyper energy to get things done. I guess that’s a good sign. I will take it as a good sign instead of viewing it as a sign that I am totally shutting down emotionally. Finals week? No big deal. Wedding in two weeks? No problem. Job interview DURING finals week? Sure, why not? Either I’m at a good point or I’m losing it entirely. You be the judge.

The good news is that I am feeling a lot less nauseous. Maybe it wasn’t all of the cheese and cake and…bleh. I don’t even want to write it. Maybe it was just Blog Withdrawal Syndrome (BWS). I need to go to bed now so that I can get up in 4 hours and go shopping for a corset bustier to wear under my wedding dress and some ribbons to tie around some freaking napkins, because apparently that’s what’s done. Yay for weddings. But like it or not, it will all be over in 2 weeks. I have had temptations to take incompletes in a class or two but I really don’t want to put things off and have things hanging over my head after it’s all said and done. So I suppose that I will just soldier on and push on through.

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