sleep. Now, there’s a surprise. Not! (I watched Borat this weekend.) I had been doing better for the past couple of nights because I have gone up again to 2 mg of my Xanax XR. This time, I think it’s because I’m sunburned. Can you call it “sun”burned if it came from a tanning bed? Talk about cognitive dissonance – the concept in social psychology that states that you feel intense mental discomfort when you do things that are in opposition to your beliefs. The relief from cognitive dissonance comes from either 1. changing your beliefs to match your behaviors or I guess 2. stopping doing whatever it is that’s making you feel bad. The point is that I have always thought that tanning was bad, am now going tanning to look better in my wedding gown (never thought I’d wear a wedding gown either, for that matter), and am frankly not changing my mind about it given that 1 minute longer in the tanning machine than the previous time had a massive impact on how much my skin burned. Please don’t lecture me, if that’s your inclination. There’s nothing that you can tell me about tanning that I haven’t thought a million times already. The plan was to quit smoking when I started tanning so that I wouldn’t be engaging in two blatantly carcinogenic activities at the same time, but, well. Not to mention the fact that I have eaten McDonalds and Papa Johns and…gross.
4 more weeks, just 4 more weeks. Although the hot tub won’t be much fun with a sunburn.
At least I have gotten enough done over the past couple of days so that I don’t have to feel too guilty if I sleep in a little tomorrow. I’ve been making lists and crossing things off of lists. In actuality, I have only crossed one thing off of my list so far, but one is better than none. Actually, I think that going to work and going to class should count as massive accomplishments so cross those off of the list too. I would have been able to cross a second thing off of my list if I hadn’t put each and every stamp on the wrong side of the envelopes that I was sending out…you know, where the return address is supposed to go. Duh. ehow.com has informed me that it is, in fact possible to unstick a stamp from an envelope but I have made the executive decision that the $10 or so spent on wasted stamps and the 20 minutes it will take to readdress envelopes is a small price to pay for Getting Things Done.
Anyway, the drug update is that I have not started the Effexor, though the irritability that I have felt all day has made me start questioning my mood state again. I hate questioning myself. I want to be able to make a decision and trust myself. I guess that part of that is learning to be adaptable and trust that I can make new decisions as circumstances change. But I also know that there is a distinct possibility that the mood issues are related to my upping the Xanax XR. It’s an interesting drug. Apparently I am the only person in the world that takes it, because any pharmacy where I go to fill it has yet to have it in stock. My psychiatrist told me that it is rare because they don’t even stock it on the psych ward where he works. It is also the most ridiculously expensive generic medication that I have ever purchased. Unromantic reason to want to get married #612: the glory that is health insurance and a drug plan. I like the XR because it keeps me from wanting to pop pills in stressful situations – guess that cuts back on the issue of psychological dependence. And I have been feeling less anxious in the two days that I upped it. I had cut back because I thought it was making me depressed – it makes me sleep 10 hour nights and want to sleep a whole lot of the rest of the time. And now I’m wondering if it’s the reason that I’m so irritable, too, though that could be stress, I suppose. Negative thought – is my entire life going to involve developing a strategy to use one medication (an antidepressant) to offset the side effects of another (the benzo)?
So, the entire front of my body is bright red (should be wearing a bra, perhaps, ’cause those puppies have never seen a UV ray before) and prickly and itchy (doesn’t itching mean that it’s healing?). I put some lotion on, and it helped a little, but…my goodness, this is a ridiculous discussion.
In general, I’m doing all right. I just keep telling myself this quote, over and over again in my head, when I am worried about how things are going to go when I get somewhere:
“90% of life is just showing up”. – Woody Allen
It really helps me, for some reason.
I had never heard of Xanax XR, but now it sounds good to me… I would really love something that made me less anxious, all day, without having to pop pills (in my case, Lorazepam). But, I hate that there’s always that confusion, if you start feeling irritable or something, about whether it’s you or it’s a side effect of a drug you’re on… After increasing my dosage of Lexapro and Trazodone a few weeks ago, I am dealing with that right now.
As for the Effexor, I took that and it didn’t really do much for me… So I didn’t expect stopping it to be a problem, but man, it sucked! But I’ve known people it worked wonders for… It’s just so hard to know, and I think being a human guinea pig with this stuff makes me as anxious as anything!
Anyway, take care.
Comment by moodblog — April 10, 2007 @ 10:13 am
You are so right; it’s the choice between not having to pop pills all of the time vs. having something in your system all of the time that may be causing weird side effects.
It’s hard to know so many things: whether what you are feeling is a side effect or “normal” mood changes, how any given drug is going to affect you…just another day in the life of a guinea pig.
Comment by iambrave — April 10, 2007 @ 1:16 pm
You crack me up!
The whole tanning-bed true confession. Ha!
Oh, who cares?! Yeah, we both know it’s terrible for our bodies, but honestly I was thinking of doing it, too. You know, to look a little “healthier.” Gosh, how ironic is that? But, I totally know why you’re doing it. Very funny story. And, the stamps? Oh, my, you should do stand-up. Seriously.
Improv Wisdom: Don’t Prepare, Just Show Up
This book is just about your Woody Allen quote. I found it at Goodwill (so cheap!) but it’s really priceless! When you get a free minute — like in about two months — check it out. You’ll like it, I think.
Take care.
Comment by HSP Woman — April 10, 2007 @ 9:26 pm
Too funny, because I haven’t been titling my posts but the title that kept running through my head was “True Confessions from the Tanning Bed”.
I checked out that book on Amazon and it looks great; thanks for the recommendation. I will have some free time one of these days, dammit!
Comment by iambrave — April 10, 2007 @ 11:51 pm
I have been on and off Effexor for years. The first couple of times really sucked, but once I learned the very slow slow tapering process of going on and off of it, it really worked great for me.
So if it worked so great, why am I “on and off” it instead of just always on it? You got me.
Comment by Jane — April 11, 2007 @ 8:35 am
I know that for me going off things is typically a matter of a twisted combination of is this really working?/is this causing these side effects/even if it is working, do I really need it? It’s so hard (for me, at least) to know what’s best for my body when the doctor can’t even give you a straight answer on that. Yeah, I don’t really know what I’m doing.
Comment by iambrave — April 11, 2007 @ 12:05 pm